Mental AbuseI find it difficult to write about mental abuse currently as a dear friend of mine is going through such a traumatic marriage. I can see how real all the things I used to watch in movies can be. I think it is comparable to murder or even worse as the victim is dying a slow painful death everyday.
If you are going through a difficult time in your marriage or relationship, get help, run as fast as you can or share with someone who cares. Somehow a solution lies in the three. Just get support. Some people have no idea they are abused. If you are unsure these are the pointers to determine if you are subjected to mental abuse.
1. Blame Shift: Your partner is abusive if he/she constantly shifts the blame to you. “The reason I hurt you is because you started by doing this and that”; “The reason the kids are suffering is because you did this and that”; “You always make me angry…”; etc. He/she never contributes to the things going wrong in your relationship.
You may, in the beginning try to protect yourself but with time, you play along and blame yourself for all what is happening in your relationship. I have witnessed this many times. Wives would be saying, “If I was a good wife/ mother this wouldn’t have happened”.
2. Harsh Words: Your partner may be telling you that you are not good enough; you will never make it on your own; you are a bad parent; you must lose weight; you don’t look as good as when you first met; if you don’t change he/she will leave you; etc.
When someone who supposedly loves you utters these statements, it doesn’t matter how strong you are, you end up believing them. I have an only varsity friend who maintained a size 0 even after her pregnancy. Her husband spots an extra pound hundred miles away and nags her to lose it until she really loses it from stress of the nagging. That is mental abuse and should not be tolerated.
3. Negative Criticism : You come with a brilliant idea that blows everyone away but your partner. Insecure people can be so mentally abusive. If your partners is insecure and has a low self esteem, he/she is bound to try and put you down. A relationship is a partnership which is supposed to nurture and support each other’s endeavors. If all you get is, “its not going to work”; ”its not done that way”; ”forget it, its obviously not your field, try something you know”, you are abused.
In most cases your partner is not aware he/she is doing that; bring it to his/her attention. ”Sweetheart I wish you can be more supportive; I wish you can be a little enthusiastic and happy for me”. Its dangerous to leave things as they are and get support outside the relationship.
4. Overly Sensitive: If your partner overreacts it may be abusive to you. Everything you say is hurting him/her. He/she may be trying to make you feel guilty constantly so that she/he stays in control. Partners which “play victim” are very dangerous in a sense that you genuinely feel bad about hurting them and end up apologizing and making it up to them all your life.
5. Fear: If you are constantly scared of your partner you may be abused. A relationship is supposed to give each party an equal status of respect. No servant/ king or queen relationship. A friend of mine correctly made a statement “you cannot love someone you fear”. You may think you are in love but it doesn’t work you are scared of the person. Find out why you are scared of your partner, confront your fear and ask your partner to work with you towards a solution.
6. Dependency: Your partner may be more knowledgeable or experienced than you in some fields. It starts by one partner asking for the other one for his/her views and it constantly leads to one partner taking all decisions. If you no longer believe you can take right decisions on your own you may be made to believe so.
This is again more common with women especially the ones without formal work. They end up believing their husbands know better than them. They then get brainwashed into believing they are incapable of taking right decisions, but their husbands’ can. That is abuse at its best.
7. Silent Treatment: If your partner just ignores you for no reason, or for the reasons you don’t know, he/she is mentally abusive. It may happen that you had a disagreement and he/she decides to ignore you, it is an abusive act. Let your partner know how that makes you feel and maybe try to understand why he/she keeps quiet. If it hurts you, let him/ her know and maybe work towards a solution.
There are a lot more forms of mental abuse. If you find yourself in one, get help before it is too late. Work on regaining your self-esteem and make significant changes in your life. You may need to leave a relationship and build fresh supportive relationship or get counseling together with your partner. Either way you choose all the best. Deal with mental abuse for your own good.
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