Step Parenting and Stepfamilies

Stepfamilies and step parenting can be the most difficult of jobs. Parenting is challenging but stepparent - stepchild relationships are complex and delicate. There is a solution to complicated stepfamilies. One just needs to play their part and meet the rest of the family halfway.

When one loses a partner through divorce or death they may feel lonely, angry and sad. It is a blessing for them to find love again. And when they do, what is better than them holding on to that love. However, there are sometimes kids involved. How does one make a happy family from “mine; yours; and our kids”?

Decisions, decisions, decisions

The first thing for any future step-parent is to take a decision as to whether they are ready to accept not only their partner in their lives, but their children and ex-spouse as well. It’s a full package. This decision has to be thoroughly thought through as ex-relationships can harm any new marriage. A lot of adjustment is required from both parties.

Communication

Partners with step parenting roles should have a discussion around the critical issues prior to saying “I do”. There has to be clarity on the roles of each person involved. Where are the kids going to stay? How often will they visit? Who is going to discipline them? How are they going to be financially maintained? How are the relations with former spouse to be maintained? And the list goes on. Clarity on these issues makes one more comfortable and certain of the future.

Step-children

Children’s feelings are to be prioritized in the stepfamily arrangement. It is only natural for kids to feel insecure and jealousy of their new (third) parent. Actually the vice versa is also true. The new mom/dad must be understanding and assuring to the children. It’s not fair to expect no rejection from the kids who think their parent is being taken away from them.

As a stepparent, you need to try and form a relationship with your future stepchild before you tie the knot. This relationship is very important in step parenting but should not be forced if the child is not ready. If you are an average person, your life may not be as smooth as you would love it to be. But with time, you may have the best mom/dad-child relationship with your new child. Patience does help.

Be cautious to move in with the kids before you have a relationship. Introduction to each other has to be a gradual process. When you stay with them full time or occasionally, try to implement the decisions (on order and discipline) you have taken beforehand.

Ex-spouse

This is sometimes an even greater challenge. The ex-spouse may feel betrayed even if there was no chance of them getting back together. By the way he/she is also going through some adjustment phase. If kids are involved the ex and new spouse will have to get to know each other. This is very important for the sake of the kids.

It is important to always bear in mind that “this is about your children” more than it is about you. Making an effort to get well together will help when there are family functions like birthday parties, weddings, school meetings, etc. The other person is in your partner’s history and still has a relationship with the extended family. You are likely to meet in family gatherings even if you are not hosting. An effort to have smooth relations will be good for everyone.

Inform your former spouse of your intentions to get married and let him/her get used to the idea too. Don’t let her/him lose his/her role in the child’s life. Visitation times are to be arranged and encouraged to maintain stability in the kids’ lives.

Stepsiblings

This is no easier to stepsiblings than it is to parents. They should be introduced to each other and given time to get to know each other before they stay with one another. Usually they accept and love each other in a shorter time than expected.

Happy step parenting to you.

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